Dream Theater

Fates Warning

Kentish Town Forum, London

Wednesday, March 15

Rating: 2 out of 5 – Short Circuit

There’s so much masturbation tonight that the cleaning lady will surely drown, cum tomorrow.

Not that tonight’s surprisingly healthy turn-out are complaining. The balcony is dotted with fans, and the downstairs floor eventually proves a hard territory to navigate. Dream Theater’s cult status is beyond question and in some ways encouraging.

Fates Warning soldier on with music that ain’t without merit, but you find yourself wishing they would swallow their pride and write a few straight tunes, like their heroes Queensrÿche. After a while, they infuriate.

Dream Theater kick off magnificently with ‘Pull Me Under’ – the first single from their Images and Words album. It’s a majestically heavy piece of work, but only begs the question of why the quintet have so few other songs with that strength.

Anyway... the lights are flashing, the joint is jumping, and drummer Mike Portnoy immediately steals the show. He gobs balls of phlegm the size of babies’ heads across the stage, twirls his sticks, chucks ‘em up and catches ‘em. Basically, he’s the Lars Ulrich of Wank Metal.

Dear oh lord! Did I say ‘Wank Metal’?!

Yes. After three fine – nay, captivating – songs, it has to be said that Dream Theater prove themselves to be occupying some other bizarre mental universe. Frontman James LaBrie may as well put his feet up and read the paper as the instrumental marathons mount.

We get a drum solo, which is almost acceptable because it’s done with a sense of humour and incorporates a piece of Slayer’s ‘Raining Blood’. But then we yawn through the guitar solo, and... wait for it... a keyboard twiddle!

As if Dream Theater’s songs don’t already scream ‘look how well we can play!’... These solo spots don’t get standing ovations, but neither do they become targets for rotten fruit. Maybe this whole thing is just working with a different set of rules.

Or maybe Dream Theater have a problem. Sure, they play for a value-for-money two hours. But why bother if the last half-hour’s like having teeth tugged?

—Jason Arnopp